Not Okay

As anyone is likely to tell you, trauma and/or grief takes time to get over. Whether it be a physical or emotional wound, time really does heal. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

That’s my reason for not being as active on social media anymore. I used to be everywhere; Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. But recently, I’ve cut all that way down; not just social media either – my hobbies (what few I had) are now essentially nonexistent and I barely go out at all… I’m going through something personal at the moment and I feel like I just need space from everything in order to get through it.

Unfortunately, that means less human contact other than my own self, which in my case is a very, very bad thing. But I see no other way to get passed this. I need to sort my head out before I can sort anything else out and frankly, I’m not okay. I haven’t admitted that to anyone… I’m not okay. Not even close. I’ve simply smiled the fake-ass smile I’m so used to giving and pretended, to those few who bother to ask, and tell them that I’m alright. In reality, I’m as far from it as they come. I’m just not me anymore.

  • I eat a meal a day, if I eat at all; most days I actually forget, as crazy as that sounds.
  • I don’t drink unless someone reminds me to do so on one of my visits to the downstairs realm of my house.
  • I barely sleep – 3 hours a night if I’m lucky.
  • I cry at some point every day – that’s usually the only time I get tired enough to fall asleep. Then the nightmares wake me.
  • I don’t really leave my room – more specifically, my bed – unless I have to go to work. And I would take time off if I could.
  • Nobody really messages me but the ones that do, usually get an automatic response. I don’t even do it intentionally, I just find myself typing without really thinking about it (much like right now, considering it is 6:20am and I have slept about 7 hours in total in the last 2 weeks – I’m more zombie than human).

You probably don’t even want to fathom what goes on in my thoughts but to put it plainly, I am honestly considering having an evaluation done on myself. I’m not daft, I know symptoms of several mental disorders (don’t ask how) but I refuse to be one of those attention-seeking fools of my generation that say they have something when they really don’t just because they either think it’s “cool” or that they might get special attention for it.

I am rather weak, in most senses of the word, but I am strong enough to admit when I need help. And after tonight? I most definitely require some assistance. However, I am also a coward who cares far too much about what others think and I’m terrified of being abandoned or alone. Which leaves me in a difficult situation. And I don’t know what to do.

I’m not asking for attention. Nor pity or anything along those lines. I just want to be okay again. And I get the feeling I won’t be for quite some time.

I know there are only about 2 people willing to read all of this rambling on, I don’t even know if this would make sense to many other people – and I haven’t even explained the extent of what’s happening inside my brain – but I just want to say thanks. Truly. And any, any help or advice would be most welcome…

I hate being so afraid of… Well, myself.





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