Not Okay

As anyone is likely to tell you, trauma and/or grief takes time to get over. Whether it be a physical or emotional wound, time really does heal. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

That’s my reason for not being as active on social media anymore. I used to be everywhere; Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. But recently, I’ve cut all that way down; not just social media either – my hobbies (what few I had) are now essentially nonexistent and I barely go out at all… I’m going through something personal at the moment and I feel like I just need space from everything in order to get through it.

Unfortunately, that means less human contact other than my own self, which in my case is a very, very bad thing. But I see no other way to get passed this. I need to sort my head out before I can sort anything else out and frankly, I’m not okay. I haven’t admitted that to anyone… I’m not okay. Not even close. I’ve simply smiled the fake-ass smile I’m so used to giving and pretended, to those few who bother to ask, and tell them that I’m alright. In reality, I’m as far from it as they come. I’m just not me anymore.

  • I eat a meal a day, if I eat at all; most days I actually forget, as crazy as that sounds.
  • I don’t drink unless someone reminds me to do so on one of my visits to the downstairs realm of my house.
  • I barely sleep – 3 hours a night if I’m lucky.
  • I cry at some point every day – that’s usually the only time I get tired enough to fall asleep. Then the nightmares wake me.
  • I don’t really leave my room – more specifically, my bed – unless I have to go to work. And I would take time off if I could.
  • Nobody really messages me but the ones that do, usually get an automatic response. I don’t even do it intentionally, I just find myself typing without really thinking about it (much like right now, considering it is 6:20am and I have slept about 7 hours in total in the last 2 weeks – I’m more zombie than human).

You probably don’t even want to fathom what goes on in my thoughts but to put it plainly, I am honestly considering having an evaluation done on myself. I’m not daft, I know symptoms of several mental disorders (don’t ask how) but I refuse to be one of those attention-seeking fools of my generation that say they have something when they really don’t just because they either think it’s “cool” or that they might get special attention for it.

I am rather weak, in most senses of the word, but I am strong enough to admit when I need help. And after tonight? I most definitely require some assistance. However, I am also a coward who cares far too much about what others think and I’m terrified of being abandoned or alone. Which leaves me in a difficult situation. And I don’t know what to do.

I’m not asking for attention. Nor pity or anything along those lines. I just want to be okay again. And I get the feeling I won’t be for quite some time.

I know there are only about 2 people willing to read all of this rambling on, I don’t even know if this would make sense to many other people – and I haven’t even explained the extent of what’s happening inside my brain – but I just want to say thanks. Truly. And any, any help or advice would be most welcome…

I hate being so afraid of… Well, myself.





Food For Thought

I realised something earlier that honestly blew my mind and I really want to share it;

This second, you are older than you have ever been, yet also younger than you will ever be again.

It really made me think about life, you know? How life is short but we don’t realise it until it’s too late, and yet simultaneously is the longest thing we will ever experience…

It really put things into perspective for me, I hope it does the same for you guys!


All Of The Regret

Has anyone ever had one of those nights out where you drink so much alcohol that you get an idea – that you think is great so you do it – and then when you wake up the next morning you instantly regret doing it and curse your brain for thinking it in the first place?

Well, I can now shamefully say I have done that.

It was an amazing night out, one that I think I really needed if I’m honest. Unfortunately when the time came to go home, everyone was saying their goodbyes and such, getting into booked taxis or lifts with friends or family – but I had no way of getting home. I mean, I did originally but then the plans got changed so midway through the night, I then didn’t, so not entirely my fault. Besides, I knew one of my friends were on their own and since they live a few roads down from the pub we were at, I made sure they got home safely. Which I think was rather responsible, considering my blood alcohol level.

But when I fished out my phone to call someone for a ride, my phone had unfortunately died on me. What bad luck… So, here comes my great idea (and only option, really); I’ll walk home!

Intoxicated female + 1am + -3°C + 6miles or so = what the hell was I thinking…

I did manage it. Don’t get me wrong, I made it home by around 4am. I was freezing, yes. I really needed the toilet, yes. But I was home so I made the objective!

It was only when I woke up this morning when I figured out that I am really not okay – my legs are in so much pain that I can barely stand up. So, in hindsight, not my best idea on Earth, but what else could I have done? I had no other way of getting back home.

Either way, yes I regret it but at least I made it home!



I literally have no energy to do anything. I’ve been staring at my laptop screen for almost an hour wondering what to write about, but I honestly have nothing. I feel almost numb, if that makes any sense. Does anyone else get like that?

Its not even like something has happened to make me all sad, which in all honesty is usually what causes me to feel like this, but this time… Nothing. I’m just sitting here, doing and saying nothing. I don’t even feel like typing this, which is very odd since I love typing.

Frankly I just wish I had someone to talk to about all this. I probably do; I know people always say I can come talk to them about anything – I just don’t believe them. And I always feel like I’m bothering them. I’m an annoying person, I know that, that’s why I have few friends in the first place. I just don’t know…

There is no point to this post. I don’t even know why I’m writing it. I’m sorry.




The Calm Before Dawn

Night drives are something I treasure; not only do I just love driving, but combining that with night time AND zero traffic? Consider me in heaven. Especially if you have the right company (good friends usually).

I managed to get this picture a couple of nights ago and I think it represents how truly peaceful that time of night is… Or maybe it’s just a bridge, I don’t know what you guys see but that’s just my opinion!

Have a wonderful day.



I’m really getting back in touch with my artistic side recently – and I have you guys to thank. Not only has this tiny, insignificant blog made me realise what’s important to me, but it gives me the freedom I need to express myself – in ways that I find restrictive in my everyday life.

Although I still have a long way to go, I feel that as long as I have a camera or a pen/pencil in my hand, I can create something beautiful (beauty is in the eye of the beholder so what I find beautiful, others may not). I think that’s what my motivation has secretly been all along; making people happy. The drawings I create, pictures I take and poetry I write are usually with someone else in mind, because I want to make said person happy – even the tiniest smile is a victory in my eyes.

Admittedly I have completely forgotten what my original point was supposed to be… Don’t you just hate when that happens?

Either way, I hope you are all having a wonderfully happy day today.


It has begun!

Guys, guys, guys! I got my camera! I’ve only had it for a few hours but I already love it – and as I had suspected, my beautiful German Shepherd dog is becoming a fabulous model for me! I get the feeling that my Instagram account will be filled with her… Oh well!

I am going to upload some of the better shots I have of her onto Instagram in a bit, but as it’s snowing in several areas near me I might head out and see what pictures I can get of the weather! Even if it’s dark and cold, I know it will be worth it! I’m aware that a lot of the photos I take might not be too great, but I am just a beginner so they will get better – I hope anyway…

I hope everyone is enjoying the weather they have, snow or no snow. I personally love all things ice and snow so its like heaven for me! I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this happy!

Have a wonderful night guys!


Not About Me

Hello all, how is everything for you?

I know I go on about it a lot so I’ll make this short; my camera is now on its way! I haven’t even received it yet but I’m already incredibly happy about it, is that strange? I also can’t stop thinking of ideas for when I do have it in my possession; places to go, styles to try out… I get the feeling I annoy everyone with how much I talk about it, but I haven’t been this excited in a very long time; doesn’t everyone have that one thing that makes them all giddy and makes them sound really obsessed..?

Moving swiftly on before I bore you to death; I have more good news, although this doesn’t really apply to me. My S/O is an athlete – a pretty good one at that – and without going into too much detail, the good news is that in his most recent competition he has not only achieved a new Personal Best, he is also currently joint 5th in the entire United Kingdom for that event! Possibly even number 1 in Wales, although I’m not 100% sure about that (he is part Welsh, just to clarify, and competes for Wales in some competitions). I’m just so proud of him! He had such a rough year in 2016 and was hardly able to compete at all, so this is a huge comeback for him.

I am aware I don’t talk about my S/O often (if I did, I’d probably never shut up about him) but it’s only because there have been incidents in the past where I have shared something about him – be it a picture or some information – and certain hateful people who wanted to hurt me, used it on order to do so. I’m not saying any of you lovely people would, I’m just being cautious, you understand? If I ever get over my paranoia, I will probably open up a lot more; whether that’s a good or bad thing has yet to be seen…

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful evening ahead of you!